Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
