So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
