I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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