Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
