I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
