Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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