the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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