y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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