My underwear smells like fireworks.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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