Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
