um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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