I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
