i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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