Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
