I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
