i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
