It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
