He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
