I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
