It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
