Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
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Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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