Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i've created a new STD.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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