new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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