He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
