some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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