Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
