I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
