Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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