I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
