his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
