i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
