There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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