got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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