We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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