Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
