I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
