I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize