I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
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That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?