I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
