When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
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You. Win. At. Life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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