Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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