Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
