i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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