Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
