she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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