In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
