just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
