There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
