Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
