i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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