you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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