i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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