I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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