I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize