I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
