can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
