He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's shark week go big or go home
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
