Got a toothbrush?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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