he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
