i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
