he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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